Just fucking say it!

Free expression is wasted on those who don't speak their mind

At a dinner party in New York

Rachel: Did you guys hear about the supreme court ruling on affirmative action?  It’s insane that politically appointed ideologues can overturn decades of progress.  

Sally: Hmm, I’m not so sure actually. I thought it was net positive. 

Rachel: I can’t believe you’re doubting the benefits of a diverse educational environment.

Sally: I certainly don’t have a problem with diverse environments. I wouldn’t live in New York City if I did. But there’s pretty weak evidence that affirmative action actually achieved what it set out to achieve. In fact, it’s hampering meritocracy, and trying to deal with inequities at the wrong level. 

Rachel: Wow, Sally, I'm honestly surprised and a bit troubled by your take. It's pretty clear that views like yours stem from a place of privilege and a fundamental misunderstanding of systemic oppression. Affirmative action is trying to redress biases that harm marginalized groups; it's about dismantling the …..institutional barriers that have historically excluded marginalized groups which actually aids rather than hampers meritocracy. 

The conversation dies out after a couple of exchanges. 

Sally and her boyfriend Sam debrief after a party: 

Sam: I’m surprised you decided to confront that Rachel woman. You didn’t seriously expect to change her mind after you led with what you did?

Sally: Hmm, I agree it was unlikely but It would be impossible if I didn’t say anything. 

Sam: Well, it’s true that people need to know opposing views exist before they consider them seriously. But she already knows there are people on the other side. You claiming that position only makes her associate you with the position she doesn’t like.  

Sally:  Ok so not responding is the only option in these situations?

Sam: I mean I’m not sure about this setting but generally speaking, trying to establish common ground is a good first step. And the way you get to common ground is probably by asking questions. 

Sally: Ugh, you’re such a cuck, sometimes.  There might be a place for that kind of approach, like if I wanted to change my mom’s mind or something but that’s not what I was trying to do here.

Sam: What were you trying to do then?

Sally: A few things. First, did you hear how she started that sentence? “It’s insane that the Supreme Court blah blah blah…”. She thinks her position is self-evidently true, and that anyone who believes otherwise is insane. 

Sam: So it was an ego thing for you?

Sally: Ok, square, maybe it was mildly an ego thing but mostly not. She needs to reckon with the fact that smart, well educated people can disagree with the “progressive” position on something. Her delusion that everyone on the other side of this is an illiterate, racist white guy further reinforces the goodness of her position in her mind. 

Sam: But again, why not try and do this the nice way? 

Sally: The nice way? I didn’t personally attack her. I didn’t even get defensive and point out the fact that she started by calling my position insane. All I did was disagree plainly and respectfully. 

Sam: I’m just saying.. what if you had replied with “Oh i’m curious why you think it’s insane?”. I’m pretty sure it would have been embarrassing for her if she wasn’t able to back up each claim. 

Sally: You could be right about that but there are other considerations. This wasn’t just a conversation between me and her - other people were listening in. I mean, she was clearly signalling, consciously or unconsciously. Like why else would you bring up something in a way that invites zero engagement or debate?

Sam: ooo ooo signalling bad, bad signalling. 

Sally: I didn’t say that, you dickwart. In fact, signalling was the main reason I took her up on it. To signal that it’s not insane or shameful to disagree with the “progressive” line here.

Sam: You’re saying it’s some sort of collective action problem? 

Sally: Finally you’re getting it - this is why I still let you fuck me. Yes, even in places as woke as New York City or SF, I’d bet there’s a growing yet silent minority of people who perceive the toxicity of progressive orthodoxy. 

Sam: Ah, but since one of the problems with this ideology is that it tends to brand as racist anyone that disagrees with it, we should expect fewer people to express opposition to this ideology than actually do.

Sally: Correct. Basically, expressing this opinion, which might be unpopular, doesn’t pass the cost-benefit test in any isolated case. What are the odds that I’d convince someone at a dinner party after all? Why bother with the awkwardness and risk being potentially smeared? 

Sam: And you expressing your opinion basically tells others that their views are fine and other reasonable people hold them. And if nothing untoward happens, you also demonstrate that saying what you think has fewer consequences than one thinks. 

Sally: Correct but I think it’s important to say it plainly, without overemphasizing politeness. I mean one could always be more polite, add more caveats and start every sentence with “I don’t mean to say X, I mean to say Y”. At least from a signalling perspective, by doing this, you’re basically demonstrating to everyone that you’re treading radioactive territory and you risk leaving them with an incorrect understanding of your actual position. 

Sam: Also, you don’t like being polite..

Sally: Ya ya but jokes aside, it’s not easy to speak your mind, and I think you’re less likely to do it if you convince yourself that you can only do it if your tone, pitch and body language are all perfect and inoffensive. Do people on the other side have the same burden? Also, constantly hedging and caveating can bury your central argument in a whole lot of nothing

Sam: Okay, okay, got it. But you have to agree that there are times when this benefit is outweighed by other considerations?

Sally: Ya, I sure don’t have an obligation to bring up politics at Thanksgiving with my grandparents. But people stretch this too far and convince themselves that if they say anything, they’ll be immediately ostracized.

Sam: But doesn’t your entire argument rest on the premise that people are socially sanctioned for these views. So perhaps their fears are sort of legitimate?

Sally: I’m not denying that cancel culture exists in universities or the workplace etc. Let’s leave aside the question of whether you still have an obligation to speak up when your career could be at stake. But in social settings, the consequences are either minor or non-existent. Think about it, what’s the worst that could’ve happened to me today? 

Sam: Sasha won’t invite you to one of his dinner parties again?

Sally: Right, And frankly, I’m not sure I want to mingle with people that don’t think I have a right to respectfully express my views. 

Sam: When you put it that way, I guess there’s not much of a cost… 

Sally: But even if no one there has sympathy for these views and I get a few dirty looks, I happily accept that as the cost of speaking my mind. As I said, in any given instance, the benefit of speaking truthfully might not seem worth it. But if no one does, the harm is clear. We say this routinely about voting or climate change, and rightly so.

Sam: Ok, you won since you brought up climate change.