Male Psychology and the Fear of Humiliation

Why men might be tempted to choose violence over rationality?

Louie is one of my favorite shows. In one masterclass of an episode, Louie (played by Louis CK) is on a first date, enjoying donuts and coffee with an attractive middle-aged woman, and it seems to be going pretty well. A group of boisterous teenagers are getting increasingly loud in the background, making it nearly impossible for the duo to converse. Louie turns around and asks them to take it down a notch, the irritation apparent in his voice. This is precisely the provocation the delinquents are looking for – one of them comes over to start a conversation that isn't even a thinly veiled attempt at intimidation. He recounts the time he nearly beat someone to death (and his knuckles look like they've done some punching lately) and asks Louie to beg him not to hurt him in front of his date. Louie is made to comply multiple times so his date can witness his humiliation once again. They laugh and walk away. You can watch the full scene here.

Louie's date then says what no man wants to hear – "I totally get it, you did exactly what you should have. But if I'm being honest, that was a turn off, to watch a guy debase himself just to be safe". It's a gut-wrenching scene. Most men can't help but play this hypothetical situation over and over again in their heads, finding ways to reassure themselves that should they be the ones facing the choice between risking grievous injury and deep humiliation, they would muster the courage to roll the dice.

Part of this is surely the internal model of women that men run in their heads, incessantly processing the impact of every action on perceived mate value. To some extent, this model seems flawed. Frankly, I'm not sure what proportion of women would feel the way Louie's date felt. But I'm confident any woman worth being with would be capable of overriding any such impulse by making the most basic contact with reality. Any middle-aged man who tries to take on a group of violent teenagers to protect his ego is probably not someone you want as your partner. Moreover, she could have gotten them both out of that mess by dialing 911 immediately or threatening to do so. Instead, she just sat there, took it all in, and passed judgment.

In fact, I think of the woman in this scene as a projection of male psychology, representing the judgment that men fear awaits them when they turn the other cheek. This is so even though the different dimensions of mate value are far more fungible for men than women.